When I wake up every morning, I tune into Singapore’s Kiss 92 FM through the radio app on my iPad. When I did so this morning, all I heard was sombre piano music and I knew that Mr Lee Kuan Yew must have passed on. I immediately went to my news feeds to read the latest news.

I don’t agree with all his policies, but at the end of the day, he built Singapore into what it is today. Many Singaporeans, including myself, never knew him personally. But for some reason, we feel sad at his passing. He has indeed given all Singaporean many things – a good home, an education, a prosperous nation. To take a nation from nothing to something within 50 years is no easy feat. His policies and methods of governance may not always be politically correct or right on hindsight, but I think the decision he made at that time was because he believed it was in Singapore’s best interests. And could any of his critics achieve the same given similar circumstances? Maybe. But we’ll never know.

I appreciate the fact that Singapore is a first-world nation, our people are well educated, and live in peace. I appreciate the safety in Singapore – I never worry when I’m walking home in the wee hours of the night. I have friends in Singapore who are Chinese, Malay, Indian, and Eurasian. We see ourselves first as Singaporeans, and that’s something that I think we are all proud of. I love our multicultural society. Because of his policies, many Singaporeans like myself have also had the opportunity to travel, work and live abroad – without the education we had, it would have been impossible.

Though I don’t live in Singapore now, it doesn’t mean I don’t consider it home. My heart is always with Singapore and I wished I could be back in Singapore at this monumental time in history. Like many Singaporeans, I, too, have teared a number of times while reading the tributes and obituaries. I think many Singaporeans know that what we have today is largely due to the vision and dedication of one man who made Singapore his life’s work. To see Singaporeans from all walks of life pay tribute to him speaks volumes of what he has done for the people of Singapore.

What also touched me immensely was Mr and Mrs Lee Kuan Yew’s love story which has been well documented. To have loved so deeply and be so devoted to someone, to be able to grow old with a soul mate as Mrs Lee was to him as he was to her, is truly a blessing. On Saturday night I had gone to the wedding dinner of a relative in Hong Kong. I am a softie when it comes to matter of the heart. I always shed a tear or two whenever the slideshow of the couple is being shown or when a couple exchanges vows. I’m always touched by the wedding couple’s love story and am happy for the couple.

On Saturday though, I shed some tears for myself too while viewing the slideshow. I was sad that I may never know that kind of happiness. Finding love has been what seems like an impossible feat. The thing about love is that it won’t come to you even if you “work” very hard. It takes luck, serendipity, and a cosmic aligning of the stars perhaps. I was sad that I may never experience motherhood – and that is going to become a reality in a few years. I was sad that I may never have a baby suckle at my breast. When I was in my 20s, I had always thought that I would meet someone, marry and have kids by my early 30s. It seemed to happen so easily for so many of my friends. I had never expected it to be so difficult for me. I mean, it’s only natural to want a companion, right?  This yearning caused a profound sadness to well up in me.

Over the weekend, I also got stood up by someone who had asked to meet up but who obviously had no intention of doing so. Perhaps this person was out to make a fool of me. It was a good thing I had expected this person to bail right from the start, and had made other plans. Still, it didn’t feel good to be brushed aside and forgotten like some worthless piece of rubbish.

The combination of all these things has kept my tear ducts active in the past three days. *Sob*