*dimsumdolly* - the different morsels of the life of a foodie

Thank You

Thank you to every one of you who left a note of consolation on this blog and to everyone else who sms-ed me, sent messages over msn, emails or come round to me to console me of my loss. Your words are very much appreciated and they have brought comfort.

Dealing with loss is never easy and nothing really prepares you for the death of a loved one. You might expect it, but that doesn't mean the loss is any less painful. I guess you could say the same for relationships. You might have already anticipated the break, but when the break finally comes, it doesn't make it any easier to forget that someone who was once special to you. Rex, however, went a bit too quickly. I had known he was old and was expecting to lose him in the next year or two and NOT in the next day or two. I think it was a viral infection that took him away from me too quickly. I didn't bother to ask for a post-mortem as I didn't see the point in it. But when I told a friend of Rex's symptoms, she told me her boss' dog had the same symptoms and was gone within two days.

Rex had gone to see the vet for a foot injury three weeks before his death and after that he was doing and eating well. He was even capable of going for walks about a week before his death. Then disaster struck. I guess the only consolation is that he wasn't in prolonged pain and he didn't make me make the decision of having to put him to sleep. Maybe he knew how painful a decision it would be for me to make and wanted to save me the agony of doing so. For that, I am grateful. I don't think I can forgive myself for being the one to say to the vet "Yes, please give him that jab." Even though it's a decision that would ease the suffering, it's never an easy one to make.

I also finally know what death smells like. As Rex lay outside my room, the air that was hanging was pungent and it reeked of death. It was like food gone very very bad. It's the smell of hospitals, just much worse. It's a sad smell and you know something bad is happening when you smell it. The mix of foul odour, sadness, deep sorrow and tears is a heartbreaking one. I couldn't control my tears when I slipped his motionless and hard body into a big, clear plastic bag and then wrapped a cloth around his body. My neighbour then helped carry him to the car. Rex was quite a big dog. He weighed about 19kg - too heavy for me to carry. I would have carried him in my arms if i could.

I'm only sad that the rest of my family members weren't with Rex when I brought his lifeless body to the hospital to be cremated. My father didn't go to the hospital with me because he wasn't feeling well. My mum had just left for New Zealand on a worktrip the previous evening. My sis is studying in Sydney at the moment. So my neighbour very kindly came along with me to the hospital. I felt horrible leaving him on the operating table, his body wrapped in a plastic bag, and the nurse said she would arrange to put his body in a cold room and later they would cremate him with other dogs. So my final goodbye to him was a kiss on his cheek and before i left for the hospital, i had cut off some fur from his body so that there's something of him to remember. I liked the fur at his pointed ears best 'cos that was where his fur was the softest. But I couldn't cut it 'cos it was too short to be cut. So I took some from his body.

How I managed to drive myself to the vet and back and then even go for dragonboat practice later in the afternoon, I don't know. Maybe it was just that the reality of the situation hadn't sunken in at that point. I might have been numbed for awhile.

Now, it's still weird to not hear Rex's deep-throated bark when I come home. It's weird not to see the handsome dog wagging his tail in joy at my return. It's weird not having him follow me around the house as he liked being around me. It's weird having no Rex to hug - I loved hugging him. Big dogs are always nice to hug.

But I suppose he wouldn't want me to be grieving forever and he would want me to be happy again in all aspects of my life. They say time will heal. I certainly hope so.

Anyway, thank you to all my wonderful girlfriends who have been wonderful during this difficult phase of my life. You know who you are and I really don't know what I'd do without you all. Love you all.

And don't worry, the dimsumdolly will bounce back with happier posts and her eating adventures - she hasn't stopped eating!

Posted by DSD at September 15, 2006 9:09 AM